Dear John
by April Edgar
Summary: Sherlock realises his true feelings for John when he moves away with Mary. Sherlock doesn't know how to handle it. Is it too late for them? Johnlock. Inspired by the song 'Dear John' by Taylor Swift.
1. Chapter 1

**_Long were the nights when_**  
><strong><em>My days once revolved around you<em>**  
><strong><em>Counting my footsteps<em>**  
><strong><em>Praying the floor won't fall through, again<em>**  
><strong><em>And my mother accused me of losing my mind<em>**  
><strong><em>But I swore I was fine<em>**  
><strong><em><br>_****_You paint me a blue sky_**  
><strong><em>And go back and turn it to rain<em>**  
><strong><em>And I lived in your chess game<em>**  
><strong><em>But you changed the rules everyday<em>**  
><strong><em>Wonderin' which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight<em>**  
><strong><em>Well I stopped pickin' up and this song is to let you know why<em>**

"Sherlock!"

John bounded up the stairs, taking two at a time. He had something he wanted to tell Sherlock. It had been nearly a year now since John had first met Mary. She was sweet, funny and basically everything John wanted. She had been unusually accepting of John running off to Sherlock's every command but now they thought it was time to test their relationship fully. He was moving into another flat with her.

Sherlock was in the kitchen (that he had seemingly adapted into his lab) and staring into his microscope at something.

"Sherlock?"

"Not now I'm busy." Sherlock said.

"I need to tell you something. It's about me and Mary"

When Sherlock heard Mary's name mentioned he couldn't help the shudder that ran through him.

John had noticed that Sherlock didn't like Mary at all. He had never liked any of his girlfriends but with Mary he seemed to despise her. It's probably just Sherlock being Sherlock John thought.

"So...what is it? Have you broke up? Something happened?"

"Ummm...no."

"Well what did you want to tell me. Do hurry. As you can see I am in the middle of something here." He gestured wildly with his hands at the experiment in front of him.

"Well...actually...I'm moving out."

"Oh" That's all Sherlock seemed to be able to manage. John was expecting a much bigger reaction. He was expecting Sherlock to start going through the list of reasons why he shouldn't move out and so forth.

"With Mary I presume." Sherlock looked up at John expectantly.

"Yes, with Mary. It's a nice house. Don't worry we will still be doing all this. I will keep in contact all the time. Call me whenever you need me or you just want to."

"No. You clearly won't have time for me anymore."

John thought that Sherlock would take it badly at first. He shook his head.

"Sherlock. Yes I will! Just because I'm with Mary it doesn't mean that I could ever forget about you."

Sherlock just nodded and went back to looking through his microscope telling John that the conversation was over.

When Sherlock finally finished the experiment he went into his bedroom. After about an hour John was curious but also a little bit worried about what Sherlock was doing.

"Sherlock? What are your doing?" He tapped on the door.

"Nothing" came the curt reply.

The door was locked so John tapped again.

"Sherlock! Are you ok? What are you doing?"

John heard an annoyed sigh come from behind the door.

"I'm fine!"

"Then why are you shouting?"

Sherlock sounded frustrated and John wasn't quite sure but he thought Sherlock had sounded a little upset about something. It wasn't about him moving out was it?

Suddenly the bedroom door flung open and Sherlock stood, towering over John, scowling at him.

"I'm fine! Now can you leave me alone?"

"No need to be so moody! I just was wondering about you." John could see that Sherlock was in one of his big moods and thought it was best to go out. He didn't like being around when Sherlock was moody. It was never pleasant for anyone involved.

John decided to meet Mary and go for dinner.

As soon as he heard John disappear out of the door he sat in his chair and steepled his fingers underneath his chin. Over the last few months Sherlock began to feel something change within him. He started to notice tiny things about John that he never had before. At the first meeting in the lab at Barts, when Mike introduced them both, he immediately felt some form of connection between them. He immediately realised that John was different. He was exciting. After two months of living together, Sherlock had realised that John was going to stay. All the others left. No one liked him. Everyone thought he was a freak. But John had never called him that.

Sherlock felt something for John. He wasn't quite sure what it was. Love? But he was a sociopath. He didn't have emotions. But as it turned out, he did. Sherlock had realised that he loved John but John would never love him, not in the way Sherlock wanted anyway. Sherlock hated all of John's girlfriends and always did his best to get rid of them. They usually disappeared quickly but Mary kept hanging around. Sherlock insulted her. He called John constantly on all of their dates but she wouldn't go away.

Sherlock had never had any experience with a relationship. He had never been loved in that way. He wanted John. But he knew it was too late.

When John got home later that evening Sherlock acted his usual self and appeared not to be bothered by John moving out. However, inside he felt the cursed emotions creeping up and trying to break out. Sherlock stubbornly refused and put his cold mask on.

"You are ok then, with me and Mary."

"Yes I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be. I lived alone for many years before you came John." Sherlock said bluntly.

"Yeah...you don't want to change anything? I mean...we will still be doing everything. The crimes and...stuff."

"I know." Sherlock knew deep down that as soon as John had moved in with Mary he would see him less and less. He would move on with his life. Have a family. Something Sherlock could never give him.

John grunted and rose from his chair, "well I better go and have a shower. I'm gonna have an early night. I'm knackered." He said whilst yawning.

"Ok. Goodnight John."

John couldn't believe what he was hearing. Sherlock actually said goodnight to him.

"Goodnight Sherlock. Actually try and get some sleep tonight."

"I can't"

John sighed and walked away.

Sherlock couldn't sleep that night. Sleeping was boring anyway but even if he had tried to sleep he wouldn't have been able to anyway. Instead he stayed up all night listening to John's quiet snoring coming from his bedroom.

**_Thank you for reading! Please tell me what you think. I have the story planned out so the next chapter should be up soon. Thanks!_**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone.**_

_**Don't you think I was too young**_

_**To be messed with?**_

_**The girl in the dress**_

_**Cried the whole way home, I should've known.**_

The next day 221b Baker Street was filled with the noise of shouting, things being moved and of course, more shouting.

The main reason for the shouting (which was mostly coming from John) was Sherlock. He was slouched in the sofa complaining he was bored and muttering about his brain cells dying. John was attempting to pack his things so he was ready to move out. He never realised he had so much stuff. John had asked Sherlock plenty of times already to help him but Sherlock's answer was always no.

"I'm bored!" Sherlock shouted from the living room.

John who was currently attempting to get down the stairs whilst carrying a box that was nearly bigger than him, was fighting the urge to run back up the stairs and punch the man.

"Well why don't you come and help me then?" He shouted back up at him. The consulting detective was really starting to annoy him now. The genius always insisted on being so childish.

"Boring!" Came the curt reply.

That's it John though. John dropped the box and stormed up the stairs and into the living room.

"For gods sake Sherlock just come and help me carry some boxes down the stairs! It doesn't require much effort! You and your bloody long arms and legs should be able to manage it if I can!"

Sherlock was looking at John questioningly and raised his eyebrow slightly.

"You can barely manage it John."

"That's why I need your help! Oh I see..."

"What do you see John?"

"I see that the so called genius Sherlock Holmes is incapable of lifting a box because he is to lazy and probably doesn't even know how to. He probably deleted it! I can't wait to put that on my blog!"

John knew that it would get Sherlock's attention.

"Actually John you are mistaken. I do in fact know how to lift a box. I can't delete everything you know. And see if I care if you write that on your blog. I've seen worse."

John could see however that Sherlock didn't want him to put it on his blog, it bothered him what people thought of him. He didn't like to be thought of as stupid.

"Sherlock can you stop being so childish and stubborn and come and help me!"

"So basically you want me to stop being myself?"

"Yes!...wait what?" John wasn't sure if he has just heard that right. Sherlock Holmes had a sense of humour?

"Problem?" Sherlock asked looking up at John.

"No...no I'm fine...just thinking."

"Yes John, I am capable of making a joke...when the opportunity rises. I just don't see much point in them so I don't do it often." Sherlock had a mischievous grin on his face as he looked up at John who was looking at him, completely baffled.

"Ok. Well you should do it more often, and stop being a serious twat all the time." When John said this there was nothing mean about it. That was something Sherlock was going to miss about John, how he never said anything that was meant to hurt him.

"Dull." Sherlock remarked.

"Ok just a suggestion. Anyway...are you going to come and help me or not?" John folded his arms and gave him a glare.

"Fine" Sherlock sighed. He didn't want to help him pack. It was dull. Nothing exciting about it and Sherlock didn't want to help John move out. To normal people that would have sounded selfish, Sherlock thought, but the truth was, he didn't want John to go.

"No no no no no! Sherlock stop! That doesn't go in that one it goes in the other one!"

John was starting to wonder if he had made a mistake asking Sherlock to help him. The man was a genius but seemed incapable of doing small things like this. The detective was currently trying to squash 6 of John's books into a box that was meant to be for all of his underwear.

"Sherlock, can you please try and keep some of the stuff organised."

"Why? Your only going to take it all out again." Sherlock didn't see any point in keeping everything in certain boxes when it would be taken out and reorganised again.

"I would like to be able to find my things." John was trying to look annoyed but he couldn't help the laugh that escaped him when he saw he worlds only consulting detective wrestle with a box that was to full and wouldn't shut.

"John! Stop laughing and help me! The box is too small! You need to go buy some bigger boxes!" Sherlock sat on top of the box to try and close the lid. However this didn't work quite to Sherlock's plan. Instead when he sat down on it the box gave way beneath him and broke causing everything that was in there to scatter all over the floor.

"No, you need to stop filling them to much!" John was laughing so hard that his stomach started to hurt.

Sherlock was laid out in the floor completely stunned. Mrs Hudson, who must have wondered what all the noise was, came in and burst out laughing as well.

"Oh Sherlock!" She was finding it hard to speak whilst laughing. "What happened?"

Sherlock sat up and glared at both John and Mrs Hudson.

"The boxes that John bought are not big enough and obviously not strong enough!" He said waving his hands around wildly.

"Sherlock!" Cried Mrs Hudson, she had finally stopped laughing. "Your bleeding."

"Hmmm? What? Oh yeah...I think I hit my head on the bed frame as I went down. Nothing to worry about." Sherlock was completely unfazed by the cut on his forehead and instead continued to glare at John.

"When are you going to stop being so childish John?"

John who had just stopped laughing snorted at this.

"I can't believe you just said that! Anyway...let me look at your head."

"It's fine." Sherlock said and was about to get up but John grabbed hold of his hand and made him stay sat down.

"Seriously John? I am fine! I'm not going to die from a cut!" Why did John have to be so protective Sherlock thought. He felt fine. A little dizzy but completely fine.

"Mrs Hudson can you go get the first aid kit out of the bathroom?"

When Mrs Hudson hurried off to get the first aid kit John turned to Sherlock.

"You are going to let me look at that!"

Sherlock realised that he was now in full 'Doctor John Mode' so it was best for everyone in the situation that Sherlock did as he was told.

Sherlock huffed "Fine!"

Mrs Hudson came back with the first aid supplies in her hand and gave them over to John. She stood at the door awkwardly for a moment then did the only thing she could think to do; go make cups of tea for everyone.

John inspected the wound on Sherlocks head, he was fully aware of the detective glaring at him. If looks could kill John would be dead immediately.

"It doesn't seem too deep and the blood is clotting so it doesn't need stitches. You should go to bed."

He applied a piece of gauze to Sherlock's head along with a bandage. Sherlock realised how soft John's hands were. They were strong but gentle and he was disappointed when they disappeared.

When John looked at the detective still glaring at him, with the white bandage around his head, he had to try hard to stop himself from laughing. He looked ridiculous. His hairs was ruffled and sticking up in every direction. The bandage gave him an almost surreal look.

"Something funny?" Sherlock asked with a hint of sarcasm. However in his mind he was already missing John's soft hands.

"No." John couldn't help the grin that appeared on his face when he said this.

Sherlock stood up, aiming to prove to John that he was fine, however it didn't work out like he had hoped. A wave of dizziness hit him and he would have fallen over if John hadn't been there to catch him.

"Not so _fine_ after all are we?" John said mocking Sherlock slightly.

"I am fine! It's nothing. I can walk on my own thank you!" Sherlock pushed John away and started to walk out of John's bedroom and down the stairs.

He was swaying slightly and it was amusing to see the usually graceful detective stagger around like a toddler. However John was right behind him ready to catch him if he fell.

After what seemed like hours they made it to the living room. Sherlock refused John's help and went straight to Mrs Hudson who handed him his tea.

Mrs Hudson couldn't hide the little chuckle that escaped her at the sight of the detective. She stood in the kitchen with John watching as Sherlock stumbled across the room and landed on the sofa heavily.

"He needs to be more careful." Mrs Hudson sighed.

"Yeah he does. I'm really going to worry about him when I move out. He just doesn't look after himself." John shook his head.

Mrs Hudson nodded in agreement.

Sherlock knew that they were talking about him. They need to learn how to be more discreet he thought. He felt his eyelids dropping. He didn't want to fall asleep. Sleeping was boring. He felt someone take the cup of tea out of his hands.

Mrs Hudson found a blanket and gently laid Sherlock down and placed a pillow beneath his head.

Sherlock struggled to keep his eyes open.

"Sherlock just go to sleep yeah. You need it."

So Sherlock did.

John looked down at Sherlock's sleeping form. He looked so peaceful and childlike. Although John would never say it, he loved the man. He knew Sherlock loved him too but not in the way he wanted. He wanted Sherlock and he wanted Sherlock to want him too but he knew that would never happen.

John felt guilty for thinking all of that. Mary was lovely. Everything he wants...but she isn't Sherlock, he thought. I'm not gay! I'm straight and I love Mary! He tried to convince himself. Besides, he was going to propose to her soon so he needed to get Sherlock out of his mind.

_**Oh John...if only you could see. Thanks for reading! You all know how much I love reviews so...Review! Next chapter will be up soon! **_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Well maybe it's me**_

_**And my blind optimism to blame**_

_**Or maybe it's you and your sick need**_

_**To give love then take it away**_

_**And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand**_

_**And I'll look back in regret how I ignored when they said,**_

_**Run as fast as you can.**_

Sherlock woke with a start. For a moment he was disorientated. Where am I? What is that white thing stuck on my head?

Then he remember everything. Falling off the box and hitting his head. Feeling dizzy. John putting the bandage on his head. John's strong but gentle hands, he longed for them. Then he remembered lying on the sofa and...did he fall asleep? He must have.

Sherlock was confused. He longed for John's touch. He liked it! Sherlock never liked anyone touching him, he usually shied away from things such as hugs. But with John it was different. He actually wanted it, but John wouldn't want his, he thought.

Standing up, Sherlock walked into the kitchen to make some tea. Without realising it he got two cups out. He only ever made one for himself, or John did. Confused Sherlock carried on making the tea, for both of them.

xxxxxxx

When John awoke he felt tired and immediately wanted to curl up and go back to sleep. Then he realised he couldn't as today was the day that he would be moving out. Mary was coming at 11am and it was 10:15am already. He didn't want to get up. He longed for just a bit longer. However he knew he had to get up so he forced his body out of the bed and traipsed to the bathroom. He decided to have a shower. If he had a bath he knew he would fall asleep. He made the water cold, not freezing, but enough to keep him awake.

He then remembered what had happened last night. Sherlock falling and hitting his head. Patching him back up and then him falling asleep on the sofa. He knew he should go check on him so reluctantly he got out of the shower, traipsed back up to his bedroom. He found an old jumper and some comfy but worn jeans and out them on. His wardrobe was nothing like the detectives. Whereas all of Sherlock's clothes were suits and tailored perfectly, John's were old and not very expensive.

Going down the stairs he heard a clatter of something falling onto the floor and started to walk faster down the stairs. Walking through into the kitchen he saw Sherlock stood in front of a smashed cup and tea was pooling on the floor.

xxxxxxxx

Sherlock wasn't completely concentrating on the tea he was making, he was completely lost in his thoughts. Thoughts of John. He couldn't help but think about how lonely he was going to be. How much he would miss John. He had been lonely nearly his whole life but then John had come along and changed that and Sherlock didn't think he could go back to being like he used to be. He cared for John. No it was more than just care. A lot more. He wouldn't say it to him but he was sure that he loved him. It was too late to tell him anyway. John had a girlfriend and they would most likely get engaged soon and then married. The thought of that made Sherlock fill with cursed emotions. He wouldn't cry, he told himself.

When he heard John get out of bed he was woken from his thoughts. He listened to John's footsteps as he walked into the bathroom.

Today was the day that his life would change. He would be lonely again. It would no longer be Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. It would just be Sherlock Holmes, the freak that has no friends again.

He needed to get these thoughts out of his head. Stop thinking about John. But he couldn't. All that was going through his mind was, John, John, John, John, John!

A crash and the pain of something hot burning his leg broke him from his thoughts. He had knocked the tea over. He knew he should go to clean it up but he found that his body wouldn't move and he found himself just staring at the mess on the floor.

xxxxxx

"Sherlock? You ok?" John was looking at his friend with slight worry. Sherlock seemed unable to move from the spot and was staring at the floor.

John moved towards him "Sherlock?" At this the detective seemed to come out of his reverie.

"Hmmmm? What?" Sherlock stuttered then he looked towards the mess again, "Oh."

John noticed that Sherlock had gone a bit pale and thought it was best if he sat down.

"Sherlock? Are you ok? I think you need to sit down mate. You've gone quite pale. Well, paler."

"No I'm fine." Sherlock replied stubbornly however his glare didn't have the effect it usually did.

John started to guide Sherlock to the sofa. Sherlock started to resist but in the end he gave up when he realised there was no way out.

Sitting Sherlock down in the sofa John asked him if he was ok.

He couldn't exactly say, oh nothing apart from the fact I love you and I don't want you to move out. The reason I almost fell was because I was thinking about you, John. Sherlock thought. Instead he said, "Yes I'm fine, just had a...moment."

John didn't seem convinced but Sherlock was returning to his usual colour (which was still incredibly pale) so he didn't push him further.

He wandered into the kitchen, looked at the mess and sighed. He was tired and just wanted to have a drink and relax until Mary came but it looked like that wasn't going to happen. He picked up the broken pieces of the cups and carefully put them into the bin. He then went to work with cleaning up all of the tea. Some of the tea had started to dry and had stained the floor. This made his work harder.

Whilst John was cleaning the floor Sherlock sat in his usual position on the sofa. John was slightly annoyed that the detective had made no offer to help. He often wondered what went on in his mind but he could never work it out. No one would ever know, he thought.

Suddenly the consulting detective seemed to come back to life and sprung from the sofa and declared he was going to get dressed.

John was left on the kitchen floor wondering what he had been thinking about.

xxxxxxxx

When Mary arrived, the floor was clean and Sherlock (he no longer had the bandage on his head) was fully dressed in his purple shirt and perfectly tailored suit. John noticed Sherlock's glare as Mary walked into the flat.

"Hello. Sherlock." Mary said, sarcastically.

"A pleasure as always. Mary." Sherlock replied, he looked up at her from his chair and turned his head in disgust.

At this Mary walked away, annoyed, and went over to John.

John, who had seen the whole scene play before him, shook his head slightly in disbelief. He doubted that Mary and Sherlock would ever like each other but they could at least try, he thought.

"So, are you ready to start moving?" Mary asked.

"Ummmm...yes...I think so." John replied. As he said this he saw a look in Sherlock's eyes he had never seen before. Regret? Hurt? He couldn't be sure as it disappeared so quickly.

Sherlock watched from his chair how John and Mary carried everything outside into the removal van waiting. The flat was slowly becoming more empty as things were slowly carried out. He needed something to distract him. He picked up his violin and stood in his usual spot in front of the window.

He played a slightly mournful tune. The music filled 221b and the music came naturally to him. Not only did the violin help him to think (and also annoy his brother) but he realised a while ago that he could express his feelings through it (as much as he hated...emotions...he had them. John had seemed to bring them out.)

"Sherlock! Do you mind?!" Came the annoyed voice of Mary.

Sherlock ignored her and continued playing, however this time he played a little bit louder.

"Sherlock!" She shouted again.

Again he ignored her.

"Oh he'll stop soon. He's probably bored again. He hasn't had a case in a few days so just be thankful he hasn't started shooting the wall yet." John said and walked away.

"Sherlock can you not play any quieter?" When she got no answer again she got really angry. "I bet John can't wait to move out! I don't understand how he has put up with a freak like you! He will be glad to go!" Then she stormed out of the room.

Sherlock didn't stop playing the violin. He didn't want to give Mary the satisfaction. He didn't want Mary to know how her comments had hurt him either. He was used to being called a freak but the comment about John being glad to move out, it had hurt him. He couldn't help but think it was probably true. The music became more mournful and slightly depressing and Sherlock forgot about everything for the moment. Lost in the music. He would never admit it but he loved his violin. It helped him.

xxxxxxx

Later that day everything was ready to go. It was time to say goodbye.

"Sherlock?" John sat with him in the living room.

"Yes, John" Sherlock replied with a hint of sadness.

"I will miss not living with you but we will see each other all the time. We will still fight criminals, I will call you as much as I can. Yeah?"

"Hmmm...you won't. You say that but you won't." Sherlock sighed.

"Why do you think that? I'm your friend! I wouldn't just leave you alone!"

"Yes you will! Everyone leaves eventually! The others did! You will get in with your life with Mary and I will be forgotten about! It's inevitable!" Sherlock was close to shouting.

"Sherlock, I would never do that to you." He said softly. He wondered who the 'others' were but thought it was best not to ask.

"You'll soon see." Sherlock mumbled.

John was starting to lose patience slightly. "Why can you just see that I'm not going to leave you!" He knew he could never leave Sherlock. He was his best friend, however he wished they could have been more, but he knew Sherlock wasn't like that.

"Hmmmmmm." Sherlock didn't say anything in response.

"John! You coming?" Mary shouted from downstairs.

"I better go. I will call you tomorrow morning. You better answer." John commanded. "Make sure to eat, drink, sleep. You may just think of it as transport but it will be useless if you don't keep it healthy!"

"John, I'm not a child! I know how to look after myself!" Sherlock snapped.

"Sometimes I wonder." John mumbled. "Ok...well goodbye." John said awkwardly.

Sherlock stood up and walked John to the door. "Goodbye. John."

John smiled at Sherlock "bye, you'll be alright...yeah?"

Yes John I will. Just go!" Sherlock wanted to get this over with quickly.

"Ok...bye." John walked down the stairs and waved. Then he went through the door and was gone. Sherlock was alone again. Sherlock was longing for John to come back. To hug him and tell him that leaving was a mistake but it never happened.

Not sure of what to do now, Sherlock flung himself into his chair and stared at the wall. Once again lost in thought.

_**I can't believe how long this chapter took! Its quite short as well! **_

_**Don't forget to review! Thanks for reading! **_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone.**_

_**Don't you think I was too young**_

_**To be messed with?**_

_**The girl in the dress**_

_**Cried the whole way home**_

As the next few days past Sherlock began to realise that John was happy with Mary. He wouldn't be coming back to him. John had rang him a lot. Twice a day at least. The calls were always brief and Sherlock started to answer them less and less. No point in him getting in the way now, Sherlock thought. He knew he should have told John how he felt but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. Now it was too late. John wasn't gay, he was straight so what would the point have been anyway?

He hadn't had a case for a few days now so he was incredibly bored. He wanted something to occupy his mind. He wanted to stop thinking about John and the dreaded emotions. He needed a distraction, but there was no case, yet. He started to play his violin again but the music was sad and he was distracted. He didn't realise how much time had gone by until Mrs Hudson came in.

"Lovely tunes Sherlock." She complemented him.

Sherlock carefully laid the violin down and looked at Mrs Hudson.

"I've just been shopping."

"I know." Sherlock replied. Mrs Hudson had a habit of stating the obvious. She was stood in the doorway holding shopping bags.

She went into the kitchen and started to unpack the things.

"How's John?" Mrs Hudson asked.

"How should I know." Sherlock replied curtly.

"Well, he called me a couple of days ago but he's been ringing you everyday hasn't he?"

"Yes." Sherlock nodded.

Mrs Hudson carried on, "Did he say how it was all going?"

"He said it was good."

"Ok. Did he ask about you or...anything?" Mrs Hudson enquired.

"Why would he?"

Mrs Hudson was losing her patience. She had been worried about the consulting detective since John had moved out. She could tell that Sherlock missed him no matter how hard he tried to cover it.

"He's your friend, Sherlock. He's concerned about you!" She said sternly.

"He asked how I was doing and that was it. Happy now?" Sherlock crossed his arms and glared at the old lady. Mrs Hudson, however, was unfazed by this.

"Ok. Just wondering. Your foods all put away so you shouldn't starve. Please eat it please. I don't go shopping for you for the good of my health you know. Also try and go outside. It's not healthy for you in here all the time you know." Mrs Hudson lectured him.

Although he would never admit it, Sherlock thought of Mrs Hudson as more of a mother to him than his actual mum. He would never tell her but he liked her around.

"I'm fine."

"Course you are." Mrs Hudson sighed and walked out of the room.

Xxxxxxxx

His phone rang again. Probably John he thought. He glanced over at the screen and he was correct, John was calling. He didn't want to answer it. He didn't think he could bare to talk to John at the moment so he just left it.

When the phone stopped its annoying ringing the flat was silent again. Until the phone started ringing again. Then it stopped. But then it rang again. In total the phone rang six times. Sherlock was sure it was just John ringing again until Lestrade was running through the door into the flat.

"Answer your bloody phone!" Lestrade shouted.

Sherlock leaned over and looked at the phone.

**1 missed call. From John.**

**5 missed calls. From Lestrade **

"Is there a case?" Sherlock asked immediately.

"Yes-" Lestrade started but Sherlock cut him off.

"Is it interesting?"

"-ummm...murder. Marylebone Road."

"You go. I'll get a cab." Sherlock waved him away with his hand.

"Thank you." Lestrade said then ran out of the door.

Sherlock was getting his coat and scarf on when he realised that John wouldn't be with him. He felt something in the pit of his stomach. Sadness? Grief?

Heading out of the door he brushed all emotion from his face and hailed a taxi.

xxxxxxxxxx

The crime scene was an old and slightly run down flat on Marylebone Road. Exiting the taxi gracefully Sherlock began to walk over to the crowded scene with his usual flair.

"Where's your pet freak?" He heard Sgt. Donovan shout but he ignored it. He wasn't in the mood for the arguing.

"Did he finally see sense and leave?" He then heard Anderson shout.

Turning around with his coat swirling around him he strode towards them. "I see your wife finally left you then. I'd congratulate her."

He saw Anderson's face go pale and he smirked and carried on towards the scene. Anderson was left dumbfounded stood still on the spot.

The consulting detective waltzed over to the dead body on the floor before him. The flat was grotty and was bare of furniture and decoration. It was small and seemed barely big enough to live in. The victim was 34 years old and had bruising all across her face. There was no visible wound in her body. Sherlock started to deduce. However his mind flashed back to his first case with John.

_"She's been married at least ten years, but not happily. She's had a string of lovers but none of them knew she was married."_

_"That's brilliant!"_

_"Her coat: it's slightly damp. She's been in heavy rain in the last few hours. No rain anywhere in London in that time. Under her coat collar is damp, too. She's turned it up against the wind. She's got an umbrella in her left-hand pocket but it's dry and unused: not just wind, strong wind – too strong to use her umbrella. We know from her suitcase that she was intending to stay overnight, so she must have come a decent distance but she can't have travelled more than two or three hours because her coat still hasn't dried. So, where has there been heavy rain and strong wind within the radius of that travel time? Cardiff."_

_"That's fantastic!"_

_"Do you know you do that out loud?"_

_"Sorry. I'll shut up."_

_"No...it's fine."_

"Sherlock?" Lestrade shook his shoulder, "you ok? You seemed to be gone for a moment there."

Sherlock shook his head, "yeah...yeah I'm fine."

He turned back around to look at the crime scene but he just couldn't deduce properly.

"You know you look a little peaky. Maybe you should go home." Lestrade suggested.

"No. I'm fine!" Sherlock said stubbornly.

"Your going home. It's not negotiable."

"I am fine!"

"No your not! Believe it or not but I do care about you!" Lestrade knew something was wrong with Sherlock.

Sherlock glared at him.

"I'm sure we can manage without you for once." Lestrade started to lead Sherlock to the main road to get a taxi.

Sherlock snorted at this, "you wont!"

Lestrade decided to ignore the detectives last comment.

"Is everything ok? You know with John moving out?"

"Yes why wouldn't it be!" Sherlock was annoyed. He had these questions enough off of Mrs Hudson.

"Ok, ok. No need to bite my head off!" Lestrade put his hands up in a mock gesture.

"Just...oh it doesn't matter...you won't listen anyway...just don't do anything stupid yeah?" He said and then walked off.

Sherlock was left in the pavement wondering what Lestrade considered 'stupid'.

**_Well...there it is. Hoped you all like it! I seriously can't believe the response I have gotten for this story! It's amazing how many people have sent me messages about this! Thank you! _**


	5. Chapter 5

**_Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong_**

**_Don't you think nineteen's too young_**

**_To be played by your dark, twisted games?_**

**_When I loved you so, I should've known._**

**_You are an expert at "Sorry"_**

**_And keeping lines blurry_**

**_Never impressed by me acing your tests_**

**_All the girls that you've run dry have tired lifeless eyes_**

**_Cause you've burned them out_**

_Thank you for all my lovely reviews! Sorry but this chapter isn't very long. It's more to keep the story flowing. I don't want to keep you all waiting any longer (there's nothing worse than waiting ages for the next chapter of a fanfic, I have a lot of experience...) Anyway...here you go!_

It had been 2 weeks, 6 hours, 46 minutes and 14 seconds since John had moved out of 221b Baker Street. It seemed that things were going well for John but Sherlock was bored.

The detective sat at the kitchen table. The table was a mess. Sherlock had turned the kitchen into his laboratory a long time ago and his chemistry set sat on the table that had holes burnt through, knife marks and many indistinguishable marks. There was a beaker standing precariously near the edge. Inside it was an eyeball. Sherlock, who was bored out of his mind, poured a mix of highly dangerous chemicals (some of which were illegal in the UK) into the beaker with the eyeball. There was a mix of Digoxin, Hydrogen Peroxide and Tabun. Sherlock wasn't doing anything in particular but he just needed to stimulate his brain cells.

The chemicals in the beaker had just started to fizz and bubble when Sherlock's phone alerted him he had a text. It was from John.

**Hello. I am now engaged it seems! **

Sherlock never had understood why John felt the need to use so many exclamation marks. It was pointless. He carried on reading the text.

**We are having an engagement party tomorrow night. I know it's short notice and you don't really like this sort of thing but if you come it would be great. I hope your OK - JW**

Well, I'm not going to that, Sherlock thought.

He hated parties and having to mingle with people. It was tedious! However the detective was wondering how he would cope with Mary and John being together.

No, I'm definitely not going! Sherlock decided.

However Sherlock couldn't stop thinking about it.

Later that day Sherlock was still pondering when Mrs Hudson walked in. Sherlock was sat in his chair in his usual prayer position.

"Mind if I clean round a bit?" She asked.

"I thought you weren't my housekeeper." Sherlock replied without even opening his eyes.

"I'm not!" Mrs Hudson replied quickly, "but who else is going to do it?"

Sherlock remained like a statue whilst Mrs Hudson cleaned the flat around him. Occasionally she would attempt to start a conversation but gave up when Sherlock never said anymore than one word sentences.

On the outside Sherlock seemed relaxed and with nothing wrong however inside he was in turmoil.

Should he go or not?

Would he be able to cope?

John and Mary?

Will John still want to see him?

He had many questions spinning around inside his mind and he didn't know the answers to any of them.

"Are you going to John and Mary's engagement do?" Mrs Hudson said to Sherlock.

Sherlock heard her and raised his head and finally opened his eyes.

"No!" Sherlock said bluntly although inside he still wasn't sure.

"But Sherlock!" Mrs Hudson cried, "you have to go!"

"Why?" Sherlock replied.

"Because he's your friend." Mrs Hudson tried to convince him.

John. My friend, John Watson, Sherlock thought. He couldn't go to a party though. Too many people. Too loud. Too sociable. Too many drunk people.

"I don't do parties." Sherlock turned his head away reminding Mrs Hudson of a spoilt child.

"John wants you to come! He will be disappointed if your not there!"

"No he won't." Sherlock replied quickly.

"Yes he will! Of course he will! He needs his obnoxious detective friend with him!" Mrs Hudson knew that Sherlock needed to go. He needed to get out of the flat for once and she knew that John wanted Sherlock to go.

"You don't have to stay long. Just go for John."

"Are you trying to manipulate me?"

Mrs Hudson sighed.

"Why do you have to be so difficult?" She said but laughed at the same time. "Just come to the party or I will drag you there by the ear!"

Sherlock had no doubt that she actually would.

"Fine!" He sighed. "But I'm not going to stay long!"

Mrs Hudson smiled at him and walked out of the flat.

Well tomorrow is going to be fun, Sherlock thought sarcastically.

**_Thanks for reading! Again, I'm sorry for how short it is but I hoped you liked it!_**


	6. Chapter 6

_**But I took your matches**_

_**Before fire could catch me**_

_**So don't look now**_

_**I'm shining like fireworks**_

_**Over your sad empty town**_

**_Well here it is! The engagement party has come! Sherlock and a party? Probably not the best combination! Thank you for all your reviews! _**

Sherlock groaned when he heard Mrs Hudson run up the stairs to their...no...John has gone so...his flat? He thought. The engagement party was here and Sherlock was dressed in a purple shirt, trousers and his usual black suit. No different from usual then. Mrs Hudson was clearly excited and was wearing a floral dress, which Sherlock didn't like all that much, but the old lady seemed to like it so he didn't comment.

"Sherlock! Come on we will be late!" Mrs Hudson shouted at him.

"Why do I have to go again?" Sherlock asked.

"John is your friend and he invited you so let's go!" Mrs Hudson was eager to get out of the door.

Sherlock knew there was no getting out of this. He muttered something unintelligible and slowly walked out of the flat like a petulant child.

Out on the pavement they hailed a cab and made their way to the engagement 'do' as people tended to call them.

The ride was silent apart from Mrs Hudson's attempt to make a conversation. Sherlock blocked her out completely. She was talking a load of rubbish and he didn't need it filling up his hard drive. What do people usually do at parties? Sherlock wondered. Mingle? Well that's pointless. Eat? Why do ordinary people fill theirselves with all kinds of rubbish? It's just transport. Dance? Get drunk? What's the point? Sherlock didn't want to go. Not just because of how pointless parties are but, would he be able to watch John having fun with someone else? Would he be able to give him away? John was never his from the start but John was part of him now, whether John felt the same thing about him, Sherlock wasn't sure, but Sherlock still needed him. Disgusted with himself at letting emotions get the better of him Sherlock huffed and turned to face Mrs Hudson who was still chattering.

They arrived at John and Mary's house, which was apparently where the party was happening. Gracefully exiting the cab (after paying the driver) Sherlock waltzed over to the front door and knocked. He placed a false smile on his face.

"Hello!" Came the friendly voice of Mary as she opened the door. However the greeting was more focused on Mrs Hudson.

Mary let Mrs Hudson in the house and then turned to Sherlock.

"Come in, Sherlock." She said to him with a hint of sarcasm.

Walking through the door Sherlock glared at Mary but didn't say anything. There was no need to start the arguments to early.

Wandering into the living room, Sherlock realised this was going to be a long night. Scanning the room Sherlock saw all of the guests;

Lestrade. What was his first name again? Gavin? Graham?

Mrs Hudson

Molly. She was dressed in a horrendous yellow dress with flowers covering it. Sherlock felt like he was going blind by looking at it.

A couple sat across on the sofa. Mary's parents he presumed. John hadn't kept contact with his parents therefore they couldn't be his.

And...

"MYCROFT?!" Sherlock retorted, "What are you doing here?"

"I was invited, dear brother." Mycroft said with his usual air of arrogance.

"Oh for gods sake!" Sherlock shouted before he could stop himself. He wasn't in a good mood and Mycroft had only made it worse.

"Now, dear brother, there's no need to shout." Mycroft kept his voice calm but Sherlock could hear the slight mocking tones to his voice.

John, who had been in the kitchen when he heard the shouting, walked into the room and sat in a chair next to the fireplace.

"The food will be ready soon, Sherlock sit down." John said.

"I will remain standing, thank you." Sherlock said to John whilst glaring at his brother.

"Ok." John replied, slight annoyance clear in his voice. "Who else is coming?" He asked Lestrade.

"I think Philip and Sally are coming later. They said they would come for a little bit." He replied.

Sherlock couldn't believe what he was hearing. "PHILIP ANDERSON AND SALLY DONOVAN?!" Sherlock shouted.

Lestrade turned to Sherlock, "Yes. Anything to say?"

"Yes I do have something to say actually, Graham! They are idiots! They can't come! Who's idea was this?" The consulting detective retorted.

"First of all, it's Greg! And secondly, we all agreed it would be nice to invite them! They're nice if you actually try speaking to them, Sherlock!" Greg replied calmly.

"Yeah, Sherlock can you just behave?" John sighed.

Sherlock huffed and sat down on a spare chair heavily. Before anything else could he said Mary walked in and announced that the food was ready.

Once everyone was sat down a t the table the food began to disappear.

"I would eat quickly before Mycroft stuffs it all into that constantly growing belly of his!" Sherlock said to everyone childishly.

Mycroft had a mouthful of food so just glared at his little brother.

"Can you two just get along for once?!" Greg said.

Molly who had sat silently through most of the meal decided it would be best to start a new conversation.

"So...ummmm...Sherlock...how's everything...you know at home...the flat...without John...it must be...ummmm...hard...I mean...lonely..." Molly stammered.

"Don't try to start a conversation Molly it's really not your area." Sherlock replied.

"Sherlock!" John shouted across the table.

"What?" Sherlock sounded scandalised.

"I don't know why you are in such a bad mood but just...oh forget it...you wouldn't understand." John trailed off. In his mind all he could think about was Sherlock. How he wished for more but it just couldn't be. Sherlock wasn't like that. He needed to put the thoughts out of his mind but it was harder than he thought it would be.

"I'm going to the bathroom." Was all Sherlock said before he stormed out of the kitchen.

"Well what's with him?" Mary asked, secretly glad to see the detective go for a while. Maybe he will fall down the toilet or something, she thought.

Sherlock didn't need the toilet but he needed to get away for a moment. Sherlock would have tried to understand but John obviously didn't think he cared. He was just the freak. He always knew John would go one day. They all did eventually but he felt different with John. He wanted him but John didn't want him. Stupid feelings!

Looking in the mirror above the sink, he looked at his reflection. He appeared calm and emotionless but if you looked close enough you could see the sadness in his eyes. Even if he had wanted to tell John how he felt towards him, it was too late now. He had moved on, with Mary. Now he would have to get used to being alone again.

Standing up straight, the detective composed himself. He would try to appear less moody for John's sake. After the party he would stay away from John as much as he could.

Back downstairs they were all talking and laughing as Sherlock walked back in and sat down. Sherlock forced down his meal and didn't say much. He just listened as everyone else talked around him.

Mary's parents hadn't said much since the time that Sherlock had arrived but the detective was sure he heard them muttering about him. No different from Mart then, he thought. Gavin was already onto the beer and was telling jokes to Molly and John and Mart sat laughing with each other. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. However Sherlock wasn't aware of how his brother was watching him. Mycroft knew that something was bothering his little brother and resolved to talk to him.

Mycroft saw his chance when everyone started to clear up. He excused himself and walked out of the room. As he passed Sherlock he whispered for him to follow him.

The two brothers stood in the living room again and for a moment they just looked at each other.

"What's wrong?" Mycroft though it was best to get straight to the point.

"Nothing!" Sherlock replied hastily. He hated it when his brother felt the need to interfere.

"Don't lie to me Sherlock. You know how mummy doesn't approve of telling lies." Mycroft kept calm hoping to get the truth from Sherlock.

"I'm not lying."

"Yes you are. I don't have to tell you how I know." Mycroft replied smugly.

"I. Am. Fine." Sherlock said emphasising each word. "Now if you don't mind I am going to go enjoy the rest of this party. Don't you have a war to go start?" After this Sherlock walked out.

Mycroft didn't understand why his brother insisted on being so childish. He shook his head and decided it was time for him to leave. He needed to be there when the bombs were sent into Serbia.

After Mycroft left everyone started to get a little drunk and noisy. Anderson and Donovan arrived, much to Sherlock's disgust and Mary's parents left, much to Sherlocks relief. They were to much like Mary.

"Oi! Freak!" Anderson called but before he could say anything else he was interrupted by John and Lestrade who gave him and Donovan strict orders not to start a war. They also said this to Sherlock.

Sherlock wasn't in the mood to fight them both anyway and was relieved when the walked away and decided to join the crowd and get drunk. Surprisingly, Molly even became more than a bit tipsy and left early before anyone else. Only Mrs Hudson was sensible and kept to a glass of red wine.

As the night progressed it became worse and worse.

"Who wants to fight me?" Anderson cried who was now drunk beyond imagination. "Anyone? How about the freak?" He declared pointing at Sherlock.

"No thank you Anderson but I would rather not fight someone with a dinosaur obsession and a lower IQ than a goldfish." Sherlock declared.

This obviously angered Anderson. He pounced on top of Sherlock.

"DINOSAURS ARE THE BEST THINGS EVER!" Anderson shouted whilst hitting Sherlock round the head with his bottle of beer.

Sherlock didn't realise how much strength the smaller man had, however the detective was still stronger. He easily threw the drunk Anderson off of his back where he fell onto the floor.

Anderson seemed to wake up slight from his alcohol induced haze and looked down at the small trickle of blood that fell down his face from a gash on his forehead. In his anger he jumped at Sherlock and punched him. Sherlock fell to the floor. Everyone looked on in astonishment at the scene but everyone, apart from Mrs Hudson, was too drunk to do anything or to realise what was actually happening. Mrs Hudson started to move forward but stopped when Anderson glared at her.

Anderson didn't seem to realise that it was him who had started the fight.

"Your a freak! Nothing more than a worthless freak! No wonder your so alone! I bet John can't wait to move out! You thought he was your friend? Well your wrong! He has barely contacted you since he moved out! He's too polite to not invite you here though! He doesn't care though! No one cares about a freak who doesn't care about anyone but himself! Your a psychopath!"

Each insult dug deep into Sherlock and his facade slowly began to break. Mrs Hudson, who was the only one sober enough to do anything, walked to Anderson and shouted in his face.

"Shut up Anderson!" For such a small lady she had a big voice.

Sherlock stood rooted to the spot until Mrs Hudson turned to him and asked him if he wanted to leave. Sherlock just nodded. He was embarrassed by how much Anderson's insults had hurt him.

_**Poor Sherlock! Why can't John and Sherlock just see? Please review!**_


	7. Chapter 7

**_Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone._**

**_Don't you think I was too young_**

**_To be messed with?_**

**_The girl in the dress_**

**_Cried the whole way home_**

**_Sorry this took longer than usual. I just haven't really had time but I found time...in the middle of a maths lesson. Mrs Hudson is in this chapter a lot! I couldn't help it. I love her character and I really hope that she becomes bigger in season 4! She's just amazing! I have seen on other fanfics disclaimers and stuff like that. Am I meant to do that? Just incase I am:_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Benedict Cumberbatch or Sherlock (I'm going to cry) or anything apart from loads of posters, calendars, a book and the DVDs._**

**_Enough of me waffling. Hope you like! :)_**

Mrs Hudson ushered Sherlock through the door into 221b. She couldn't believe what she had just seen happen. She had known that Anderson didn't like Sherlock but that was definitely uncalled for.

Sherlock threw his coat across the room, onto his chair, along with his scarf. He appeared completely unharmed and his cool mask had fallen back into place. He started to walk to his room when Mrs Hudson stopped him.

"Let me look at your face, Sherlock." She said firmly but gentle at the same time.

"It's fine." Sherlock huffed.

Mrs Hudson crossed her arms, "Let me look at it!" She demanded, showing that she wouldn't take no for an answer.

"As I said before, I. Am. Fine. Mrs Hudson, really." Sherlock replied bluntly, but Mrs Hudson gave him the best glare she could. She gripped his arm and led him to the sofa. Sherlock resisted but then he thought he better just get it over with. Mrs Hudson wasn't going to leave him alone until she had done what she had wanted to do.

"Sit!" Mrs Hudson ordered, pointing at the sofa. Sherlock reluctantly obeyed.

Mrs Hudson gently dabbed his cut and bruise with a wet flannel and wiped the blood away. Sherlock didn't even flinch but he kept letting out deep sighs showing how annoyed he was. Mrs Hudson paid no attention to it.

Whilst Mrs Hudson wiped his face Sherlock was in deep thought for a while. Does everyone believe I am a freak? No one had helped me when Anderson had punched me. Even John didn't move. Or were they all just too drunk to even realise what was happening around them? Mary had enjoyed it obviously. She had been trying to keep me away ever since they got together. Does she know that I like John? Maybe that's why she tries to keep me away? Well she didn't need to, John obviously isn't gay and why would he like me like that even if he were?

Sherlock knew that he didn't want to be alone again. He thought back to something his brother had told him once 'all hearts are broken, caring is not an advantage." For once, Sherlock agreed with something his brother had said. He could feel his heart breaking more and more as the days went by. He needed to forget about John but he couldn't.

"Sherlock?" Mrs Hudson tapped his face. The young man seemed to have completely zoned out for a few minutes.

"Hmmmm?" Sherlock was beginning to come back.

"You seemed gone for a moment there." Mrs Hudson tried to lighten the mood but she could see the hurt behind the mans eyes. There was something else there as well. Sorrow?

"You ok?" She asked him.

"Yes. Yes fine." The consulting detective stumbled over his words. Sherlock never stuttered. Mrs Hudson may not be the worlds only consulting detective but she could tell when something was wrong.

"What's wrong?" Mrs Hudson decided to take a direct approach.

"Nothing. Why?" Sherlock asked with annoyance.

"I might not be as clever as you but I'm not stupid."

"Well you clearly are!" Sherlock retorted, "there is nothing wrong with me!"

Sherlock stood up and suddenly became angry.

"Why does everyone always think there is something wrong with me?" Sherlock was nearly shouting. "I am fine! There is nothing wrong with me!"

"Sherlock sit down!" Mrs Hudson pulled him.

Sherlock sat down on the sofa again but his time he was shaking slightly. He tried to hide it but the landlady could still see it. There was something bothering him so she did what she thought best. She made a cup of tea for them both.

When they both were sat with their hot tea Mrs Hudson decided to try again. She didn't like to push the man but there was something bothering him. He had the warm mug of tea in his hands and looked like he was trying to draw all the heat from it.

"Sherlock?"

The detective looked up. His mask was still in place and he was successful in hiding all of his emotions, again. Mrs Hudson knew that this was going to be hard.

"You can speak to me, you know." Mrs Hudson said whilst looking directly at him.

"I am quite aware." The detective replied sharply.

"Well do you want to talk?"

"What about? Please not the weather!"

Mrs Hudson could hear the mocking in his tone but decided to ignore it.

"No. Talk about...well...you." She gestured towards him.

"I don't think I'm the most interesting subject."

Mrs Hudson sighed. She could feel a headache beginning.

"Is this about John?" She said jumping straight to the point.

A flash of sorrow appeared on Sherlock's features before it was quickly wiped away. However, Mrs Hudson didn't miss it.

"Sherlock please." Mrs Hudson put her tea down and got up out of John's, was it John's anymore?, chair. She sat next to him and looked straight at him.

"What do you expect me to say? That I am selfish? I don't like the fact that John is happy without me? That I hate him having fun without me?" Sherlock raised his voice slightly.

Mrs Hudson didn't know what to say to the sudden outburst. She watched as Sherlock stood up and paced.

"I should have known he would leave! They all do eventually! Now he's happy with Mary and can live the life he's always wanted! Now I'm alone! Back where I started! Maybe I should just give up! Go back to being a machine! But I can't now! He changed me so much and now he's left I don't know what to do!"

Sherlock shouted and flailed his arms around angrily but after a while he broke. There was no other way to describe it.

After his rage he fell to the floor and cried. Mrs Hudson rapped her arms around him and he clung to her like his life depended on it.

"I...I...love...him." Sherlock stuttered out between sobs.

Mrs Hudson was stunned at Sherlock's outburst but soon began to comfort him. The poor man was heartbroken. Sherlock Holmes, the sociopath? Mrs Hudson had always known he wasn't a sociopath.

"I know. I know. It's ok. Let it out." Mrs Hudson rubbed his back soothingly as the consulting detective sobbed.

"I don't want to be alone." Sherlock finally said. "I can't. I just can't."

The sight of the usually so strong and detached Sherlock Holmes sobbing in her arms made her want to cry herself, but she didn't. Instead she helped Sherlock to the sofa where he eventually cried himself to sleep.

_**Hoped you liked it! I don't think there is going to be much more left. Not sure...maybe 2 chapters. 3 at the most left? Thank you for reading!**_


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